Author: Lune Nightingale
Fandom: Dark Angel
Pairing/Characters: Implied sorta if you squint Alec/Ben plus Joshua
Warning: Angst. Lots of angst and bittersweet longings.
Notes: Alec is so complex. He doesn't really seem to have anything he wants to believe in other than himself and money. This is placed after the episode Hello, Goodbye even though it could possibly be somewhere else if you wanted. It's mostly an introspective piece.
Disclaimer: I don't own Dark Angel or Jensen. Sad day...
Word Count: 1,488
Bloody Tears for an Angel
Light danced off silver as the chain and medallion spun in the air, spilling over slender elegant fingers in that aerial dance. Hints of red glinted off tiny links in the serpentine chain and splattered the face of the woman on raised silver, etching a face like tears. Bloody tears. But it wasn't the blood of the one he wanted to see. Green eyes watched the spinning flicker of dancing light emptily. Like a locket he used to keep in his pocket. Always in his pocket...
In his mind's eye, he wanted to picture the man. Wanted to see the mirrored reflection of himself. As the medallion slowed in it's pirouette, he caught the slight reflection of green in the shiny surface. Lowering it down into the water, he let it slide over the pristine metal and pull the dried blood off. It's not his blood. So why keep it?
Killed people for their lack of faith. Isn't that what Max had muttered? What is faith? What could there possibly be in this world worth putting faith in? A job? Normal didn't pay enough to help him survive to the next day. Love? Rachel didn't even wait for him to explain... didn't give him a chance. And she died for it. Being a soldier? Cold, cruel accuracy and so much blood. He knew the crimson taint and the metallic stench better than most could even imagine at his age. Pain. Agony. Solitude. Family?
Family... Yes, he could maybe start there. Joshua. Sweet and pure Joshua. A guy he had no problems using or pushing into things only to realize after that he'd been wrong. Joshua was his growing process. Through mistakes, he realized every short fall in himself. Every reason why he wasn't human. Lifting the medallion from the water, the clean silver glittered from the light even more with the water droplets.
And Max. Disgruntled, pissed off, bitchy Max. For every insult to him, she still came. Still stood up for him. Still pulled his ass out of the fire when anyone else would let him die. Because no one else cared. Maybe Logan did but he didn't know... didn't see the world through the eyes of a transgenic. And after tonight... he wanted to see the world through his eyes.
Mutilation. The bodies were left on display in utter mutilation, broken, spread out, and the funniest detail was the lack of teeth. He hated even going to the dentist. So when they told him what he was charged with, he'd almost squirmed. Him. An X5, squirming in his chair like a little kid. Lydecker would have laughed at him.
But for all the trouble he caused him tonight, and every night with Max...
Drawing the necklace closer, he unclasped it and hooked it about his neck. Fingertips turned the medallion over a few times again and again, wondering what the image of the woman meant. Who was she to him? Closing his eyes, he pressed the pad of his thumb over the raised design. They'd not seen him take it from the evidence. Nor saw him slide it into his pocket. And now as he put it around his neck, he wondered if Ben would kill him for having no faith.
Ben. Such a simple name with so much implication. His face. His eyes. His hair. Were their muscles just the same? Each freckle in the same place? Did Ben carry that same pain always in his chest like he did? When he smiled... did it look like his own? Did Ben ever smile? Did he ever have reason to smile? The bite of pain in his palm forced him to open his hand and reveal the cuts in the skin around the little round medallion. Red. Blood. Was their blood the same?
This time when bloody tear rolled down the lady's face, he felt his brow furrow. Like maybe, just maybe, she was crying for the 'twin' he never got to meet. Years of hate for a man he never wanted to give acknowledgment to in the past were gone like a whisper on the wind. Ben was more real to him right now than he'd ever been before. And funnily enough, he didn't hate him. He didn't pity him. And maybe Ben wouldn't care if he even existed... but he wanted him to.
They told him that his 'clone' had gone insane. Given the living conditions of Manticore, who wouldn't?
Turning his head sharply, he met the huge puppy eyes of Joshua standing in the doorway behind him. The giant of a transgenic smiled at him easily and was full of curiosity. “Hey big fella.” Smile back in place, he let his hand move from his chest, dropping the medallion without thought.
“You will be staying with Joshua?” As he moved closer to the other man, he felt his heart clench suddenly when a large hand reached out to him and lift the medallion.
“Lady... like pretty picture in father's books.”
That piqued his interest as he looked up at the dog like features that made the other a 'freak of nature'. Something he didn't deserve. If anything... Alec felt that he deserved that title. “Yeah? Know who she is?”
“No, just in books.” Alec shook his head, chuckling to himself. Figures.
“So Joshua... what is faith to you?” Because maybe if he knew what faith was... Alec could get that much closer to Ben. He needed to get closer to the man.
“Faith.” That thoughtful look pinched the taller's brow as he gave Alec's question the thought that the man believed Alec deserved. Why Joshua cared so much, still left him shocked. “Faith is believing even without seeing. Joshua has faith that father is out there and loves his children still.”
Believing in something that can't be proven? Could Alec really comprehend that? “So, think anyone can have faith, big fella?”
“Anyone can have faith. Faith in right thing, that is the hard part.” Joshua leveled him with a serious look and Alec felt like he was being put on the spot. “What does medium fella have faith in?”
And that was the question of the hour. Snorting softly, he waved the other man off. Make something up... tell him anything... “I have faith that I'll keep my ass alive another day.”
“That is not faith, Alec.” Cringing at that note of disappointment, he didn't look at the man that had somehow become his family in his worst times. “Ask yourself, medium fella, what you want to have faith in.”
Turning his head to catch the nod of the other man's head, he coiled his fingers at his side. Was this why Ben went the wrong way? Because no one was there to stop him and say 'no, that's not faith'? What did he find to have faith in that was so wrong? Touching the medallion about his neck, he let his eyes fall unfocused on the floor. If he had to choose... right now? Alec was amazed at his answer. And the words he whispered, were almost inaudibly soft. “I have faith, he would have loved me.”
A strong grip landed on his shoulder shaking him from his reverie. Stunned green irises rose to brown as he met that blinding smile. Joshua had no idea who 'he' was, but he seemed to like that answer. “Good! Good faith. Is Alec hungry?” Moving on past Alec, the giant of a man was far too happy to keep Alec happy.
Selfish, inconsiderate Alec. The man that smiled even when he felt like he was internally bleeding from his soul. The man that lied to women and told them only things they wanted to hear to get them in his bed. The man that laughed and lied and cheated and stole all for the sake of his own happiness. Alec. Ridiculously selfish and self-serving Alec. Isn't that what Max saw him? What everyone else saw? Not Joshua...
And Ben? What would Ben have seen?
Closing his eyes, he listened to Joshua move about the kitchen and let his mind wander. Pictured a world where Manticore hadn't murdered someone from the inside out. Where Max hadn't been forced to kill a man she loved to 'save' him. And just for a moment, he had to smile. Because maybe... he could have faith in that. Faith that Ben would have loved him. That he'd have room for him... It was his choice to believe it. So he would.
“Hey, Joshua! Need a lil help in there, big fella?” Calling after the other transgenic, he moved swiftly in his wake. Tucking the medallion under his shirt, he left the blood etched tears... because he had a feeling... she was crying for the man he wished he knew.