lunenightingale | Dark Angel (Reply)

Author: Lune Nightingale
Fandom: Dark Angel
Pairing: Alec/Ben (Pre-slash)
Rating: PG
Warning: Incest of the Twin kind. But nothing graphic.
Notes: The dialogue in italics is from an rp thread with

findingworth . This is an AU where Alec was sent by Lydecker to hunt Ben down. Dual purpose here was so that he could get Ben taken in easier and quieter but also to make sure that Alec has stabled enough to deal with emotional compromise on a mission since the whole Rachel incident. This particular first meeting took place with the murder at the beginning of Pollo Loco.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything pertaining to Dark Angel or Jensen Ackles. But a girl can dream...
Word Count: 2,726

Reflections of a Refracted Mind

When he thought about that first time, he couldn't help but think about being nine all over again. When he asked himself what his first impression was, he couldn't remove the sounds of his own screams as a child strapped down to that chair. Then why was it that things went as they did? Why did he find it so easy to turn his back on protocol and let him go?

“So... big talker, huh?”

If he wanted to remember, he could close his eyes and see it. The blood over the rock and the mangled broken bones. When he really focused, he could even see the trail of crimson over the body's lips from the removal of each tooth.

“So, what's the hunting party for? Bit of a waste of talent don't you think? Are you just looking for ways to make yourself feel good? Or is there something I'm missing from this power trip?”

Maybe it should have bothered him seeing someone do that to a body. But why? He was raised to kill and work like a well-oiled machine. Funny thing was, normally he would have flinched away. Grimaced. Was that the act? Or was the unfazed expression that night the act? Either way... all he can remember being honest was the thrill that ran up his spine at the sound of that voice.

“A trial of faith. He failed.”

What was it about the man that completely destroyed his childhood and life that made him want to know him? Sometimes he rewinds his memories to those words and closes his eyes to hear them echo in his mind. His voice, but not his voice. His face, but not his face.

Faith.

What was faith? What good was faith? And why did he even care that he never wanted to test him. Was lack of faith the same as failure? Sometimes he wondered if he'd be different if he had that faith that the other was looking for.

“Really 493? Is that all? You know what... I don't care who you kill. But it seems you're upsetting a few people back home. So... let's be straight with this. Cool it. Or I'll stop you. You were too easy to find.”

Calling him that. Using that designation. That was his way of getting even. All of those kids that left them to suffer. Left him to suffer. They deserved to remember who they really were. And then he realized, it was just an excuse. A way of putting the other on par with him. Sometimes he wished he'd pushed harder and found out who was better. But what would that prove? He didn't even know who he was before that moment... and he'd known Ben all his life.

“All I have to do is get rid of you and no one will know, or care, where I am. Where's the threat in that?”

Right at that moment, he hated Ben just a little bit. Because he viewed him just like Manticore viewed him. Expendable. Replaceable. Like an interchangeable part or a cog in a clock. Rip out the bad piece and shove a new one in. And when he thought about that, he wondered which of them really was the one damaged upstairs. Which one of them had more mental issues to contend with, and which one just had the better mask?

“Hm. I'd be scared if I thought someone that bailed... what... ten years ago? Could possibly have the training I have. But I'm sure if you're as stubborn as I am, we'll eventually test the theory out. And lets assume you do pull a miracle and beat me. Lydecker is on your trail.”

No one had a better mask than him. Oh, they beat that one into him. And he exercised it in smiles, cheshire cat charm, and words. Lots of pretty words that meant absolutely nothing at all. Looking back on it, he almost wanted to tell himself to shut up. He'd told himself that night, he was sticking it to Lydecker. Getting even. Throwing it into the man's face that he may own him, but he couldn't fully control him. Sometimes expensive toys grew minds of their own. But that was a pale lie even for him.

“I know.”

The pure arrogance in Ben's face. It only pissed him off so much more. It was a miracle he didn't just kill him right then. Then why didn't he? Why did he stand there smiling like a fool and putting on the most self-righteous act he believed even himself at the time? What made him think he was so much better back then? What right did he have to even feel pity for Ben? Because honestly? Looking back on it, the person that needed pity the most right then was him.

“You're pretty cocky for a guy that I found within a weeks worth of research. You know... you should find someone to pick on that's your own size. I'm sure hunting pansy humans is just such a thrill.”

It had been an invitation. A sick parody of an invite. That? That hadn't changed. No, even now as he leaned back in his chair, eyes closed, he still considered it an open invitation. Hunt me. His mind ran through the scenarios and the possibilities as well as the rush of endorphins and adrenaline. Hunt me, Ben. His thoughts screamed it even now when he looked at his twin. Sometimes... he wondered if he could hear him.

“A week? Lydecker's slacking. Have you ever hunted someone?”
“Oh... he's been searching for years, 493. I just got started. They had little for me to go on. Training we did. Assassinations I've pulled. I hunted you down. Maybe I got a little blood hound in me... I could smell you a mile away.”

All cold calculated precision. Each mark he tore down without a thought, without remorse. Because they'd done it to her. If Rachel wasn't the only good and wholesome thing in life, then no one was. When they took her away, they took away the desire to feel anything. But one thing was true in his words right at that moment. He could smell his brother. Max once told him that being around her clone was unnerving. Hair on the back of the neck bristling. Never smell. Now he'd take a breath just to get that hint of scent whenever he knew Ben was in a few block radius of him. Maybe that made him an animal. Maybe he didn't care what anyone else thought.

“Blood hound? Seems as if Lydecker has skimped out on the genetic cocktails and you got the short end of the stick.”

Ben knew how to hurt him. Oh, he knew the buttons to push. But there was something else there in that jibe. Just not enough. When he pictured that smirk on the man's face... he didn't know why, but he wanted to dig his nails into pale flesh and see if they bled the same color. Why? Because Ben got to be free... and he got to be mentally raped... again and again and again. And thinking about that? There was one thing he realized. Ben has a real personality. He has faith. He has a name. And the terrifying revelation he didn't want to believe? He had him.

“Shouldn't knock it. We are the same coding. Twin brothers. Gotta say. I have never liked you. But then... one runs away, obviously there is something wrong with the twin as well. Nothing personal... oh wait. It's extremely personal. So big brother. I suppose we'll wait and see how this ends, hm?”

To the minute and the day, he knew how long it had been since Ben got away. He remembered the confusion and the pain of being taken to Psy-Ops. And those words were born of so much pent up anger and pain. Ben deserved his anger. Right? It was his fault. His fault that after that moment they were even stripped of that unit camaraderie. Ben had his family. Who did he have but four cell walls? Who did any of them have? But the real turning point, the real moment he realized that he didn't hate Ben, was when he felt that fear. Could almost taste it and hear it in his voice...

“I'm not going back there...”

All of the confusion and indecision was gone with those words, and replaced with a strong unexplainable desire to protect. No, it wasn't like Ben was a wounded animal, but it was close. Going back to that moment, he realized it was the apex, the turning point in himself. But it wasn't when he'd made that decision to let Ben go. No. That decision had been made the moment he'd finally laid eyes on him. For all his mental accusation, self-proclaimed hate and anger... none of it mattered when he was finally handed the gun and Ben was presented to him. Even then it would have been easier to put the barrel to his own head than see the light go out in Ben's eyes.

“I know what they'll do to you. I've been there. However this goes down... I don't dislike you enough to put you there.”

Redemption. That was never a necessary word. Just like faith, it didn't have a part in his life and as far as he was concerned, it never would. Those were things for humans and as far as anyone that knew what a transgenic was were concerned, they weren't human. There was never a moment that he'd deluded himself into believing that. Now survival. That was something he knew. That unrelenting desire to just survive. Make it through to take a breath the next day. Honestly? Where did transgenics go when they died? That was a question that plagued his mind far more than he honestly ever wanted to admit. Maybe that was why he wanted Ben to live... but looking at the man now? Remembering his words and his voice that night? No. It was more than that.

“You have no idea what they'd do to me. You may have found me once, but don't expect it to happen again.”

The night that he let Ben run away and never lifted a finger, was like the beginning of his end as X5-494. Maybe it was a cathartic moment where he found religion. More like it was the moment he found Ben. When people look at them, they see the same face, hear the same voice and think they are the same. They're nothing alike. Ben is honesty. What you see is what you get. That's not the case with himself. When he looked in the mirror, he isn't so sure he knew who was looking back at him. But what if he'd been able to see his own face that night when he told Ben to run? Was that who he really was? Thinking on it now? Yeah... he thought it was.

“Either way. I won't take you back there. Let's hope you're right. Giving you five minutes.”

The music rattled against his eardrums as a knuckle pressed into his lower lip. Eyes still closed, he pictured that dark figure running away and melting into the foliage. He'd stood there so long in the cool darkness wondering... did he really mean it? Oh, he'd meant it when he said he wouldn't take him back... but did he really hope that he'd never find Ben again?

Lips parting, he didn't know the scent of the person touching him, but he was trained to fit in. Mingle. Never react unless it was planned. And the sickeningly sweet perfume gave away the gender if nothing else. Even still, his mind was locked in loop. Because something was growing inside of him that he didn't understand.

“Earth to Alec, gonna join us here?” The giggle had his lips twitching up into a slow easy smile, but he didn't open his eyes. Not even when the small fingers slid over his cheek and up into his hair. Those digits weren't big enough or strong enough to matter.

“Actually...” Slowly opening his eyes, he'd planned on flirting. What was one more girl to ease his mind of all the thoughts? “What I really had in mind...” And his words stopped. He wasn't seeing her.... rather he was seeing cool green over her shoulder.

Breathing in slowly, he could smell him. Alec's senses were overwhelmed even though her stench was closer to him. The smile slowly melted from his face causing the girl to look suddenly concerned. After about the third calling of his name, he blinked and looked at her. “Huh?”

“You didn't finish what you were saying?” Dark eyes were so hopeful... so shallow.

“What I was saying...” Flicking his gaze over to the rigid figure that looked so out of place in the surroundings of Crash, he felt his heart plummet into his stomach when the man turned to walk away. “I'm gonna call it a night. Maybe some other time, beautiful.”

Sending her a wink, he extracted himself efficiently from her hold and pointedly ignored her pout. In the back of his mind, he heard Logan say his name... or was it Max? Did he care? He was following that scent trail out the door and into the darkened streets outside. Standing there alone in the dark, he found his eyes sliding closed again. The scent filled his senses and slowly started to turn him inside out.

A small smile twitched at the corner of his lips as he felt those eyes on him. The shiver that ran up his spine was unmistakable. It was the voice in his ear so close he could feel the heated breath that had Alec shaking on the inside. “You wreak.”

“Aw, you say the sweetest things.” The false teasing inflection held true as he opened his eyes again. Ben had stepped back just enough so it wasn't so unbearably close. Even still, Alec was finding it hard to breathe. “Want to head back together?”

He could feel that calculating gaze work over his face. What was he thinking? What did he see? What did Alec want Ben to see? “Fine.”

There was some unspoken agreement in the way they communicated. The longer he was around Ben, the less he needed to talk. He was ok with that. He was ok without the noise pollution and found he loved the shared looks or just the quiet of being around the other man.

Alec knew that physically he saved Ben that day in the woods when Max broke his leg. But the truth was, Ben saved him. And now every time Ben walked away from him, the fear rose in the back of his mind. What if he never saw him again? That was why his steps sped to a trot as Ben started to walk away... and why one hand pressed into the small of his brother's back.

“Going my way, handsome?”

Ben angled his head just enough to give him a flat look that barely hid his confusion before putting eyes forward again. If the man wanted to have his brother clarify, he'd never say it. Alec was ok with that

The funny thing? The more he reflected on their first meeting... the more he realized... Yeah. He's ok with all of that. As long as Ben was with him.